A Realization That Is Divisoria

"Omg, I didn't expect this."

I was pushed around and dragged by the tide of people. You simply can't stop anytime because people are always moving. I was 12 years old the last time I've been here and I know this is a chaotic place but it is 10x more when you get in the picture.

Me: "Ma, kung may nakita kang gusto mong bilhin isipin mo muna kung: A - mabubuhat ko pa and B - kung may mapaparkingan ako."

The prices are unbelievable! Where else could you find a class A pair of shades for just 35 pesos? And Korean fashion for just 400 pesos? The frenzied atmosphere is contagious. The place has everything! Stuffed animals, local spices, tawas, spoons sold by the bundle, chains, underwear, effin' Angry Birds merchandise...

...vegetables neatly arranged, local delicasies, etc.! Lots of things that you need and lots of things that you don't need but you will still end up buying.

While mom was busy haggling with the vendors, I took the opportunity to "people watch" and try to know their story by just observing them.

Inside 168 Mall, there are a lot of foreign shop owners. Some of them can speak Filipino!
"Wala na size. Isa size lang." - A Korean shop owner to a woman aking for a larger size of a blouse.
"Kuya, isa nito." - A Chinese shop owner asked his clerk to get one of what he's holding from the stockroom.
"Ilan kukunin? 250 nalang!" - A Chinese Christmas lights shop owner to a dismayed potential customer.

Outside, I was observing a guy selling his wares. A huge bilao, with hoses attached on both ends as handles,   carried his smoked fishes. He asked every person to buy but everyone avoided him like he was some sort of a shark in an ocean of people.

It got me thinking... what if I had that kind of life? I can't stand all day under the scorching sun and persuade people to buy from me just so I can live for another day. I wake up everyday with a ready breakfast on my table, this house never runs out of food. The fact that I complain how fat I am makes me realize that I never got hungry. My room is air conditioned, we have wifi, cable television, hot showers, etc. I can stay unemployed and sit my ass at home but my parents were working hard when they were my age. I thank my parents for these conveniences.

"Kuya, madami kang dala, bili ka ng bag." An old lady selling shopping bags snapped me out of my deep thought.

In another aspect... I'm probably loaded... yes.

"Ah hindi po, salamat." I smiled and walked away.

I don't need a bag. A bag will still make me carry the same load but in a different way. A way that I might not be used to. It could be an easier way but it could also make things worse. I will leave the things the way they are. I believe I am ready. I might get into a hot water because of poor judgement. I might get consumed once I dive into that ocean of people. I am anticipating failure but it should never be an option. In the event that I will, I know how to pick myself up and start anew.

If I will go back to this place, the first thing that I will buy is smoked fish.

Grandpa Says Goodbye

He was on stage, surrounded by lights...
...the life of the party as always. Grandpa is one of the people who always cracks jokes and makes the whole clan laugh every family reunion. He always comes up with gimmicks that everyone finds entertaining.

He was on stage, surrounded by lights...
...but this time, he made everyone grieve.

He was on stage, surrounded by lights...
...lifeless.

"Patay na siya?"
My 3-year old nephew asked me when I lifted him up grandpa's coffin. I need to make a response because silence will only be more deafening but I have to be sensitive for close relatives were there.
"Yes pero nasa heaven na siya."

The day before that, the redeemers took grandpa from our home in Navotas, where his deathbed was, to the morgue. It was a very awful sight for me. I didn't want to cry but the sight of mom breaking down was unbearable.

"Be strong. For your mom narin." Tita said.
Death is inevitable... it is a part of life but that day was the day when I feared death the most. Reality will feel much more real as it happens. We should prepare for our passing but it shouldn't affect our lives to the point of not enjoying being alive. The whole thing just scared me and made me think about the day when I will be quitting this Earth.

All of my grandparents on both sides (mom and dad) are already with the Father. Probably it is also fitting to say that I should be happy for them because thy are already in a place where worldly suffering doesn't exist. Probably all of my four grandparents are enjoying lechon in heaven without worrying about their blood pressure. Yeah, I'm happy for them.

Prayers and lots of love. Thank you for everything, my dear grandparents.

Perks of Being Not-Really-A-Wallflower

Maki, Carlo and I were walking to meet up our other friends at Greenbelt when I suddenly exclaimed:
"Hindi ako maka move-on sa movie!"

We just finished seeing "Perks of Being a Wallflower".

Carlo: "Pinipigilan ko ngang umiyak kanina."

Me: "Ako rin kaya!"

Maki: "Bakit?"

I don't know why I was so affected by the movie... I was asking myself... why the fudge?! Then it occurred to me. I saw myself a lot of times in the character of Charlie:

I was mad... 

Nakakainis pala panuorin ang sariling katarantaduhan. I was mad at the person who reflected the reality that was me. I was mad at myself.

I was sad...

That part where he was asked to leave by Patrick in a supposed t be fun night with friends. The scene where he frantically attempts to stop himself from crying when he was already crying a river. He felt sorry for things he wasn't even responsible for and I was like: "Bobo ka ba?"

I was happy...

He still regarded those people as friends despite rejection. He genuinely wished for another person's happiness. He was a true friend up to the very end.

That kid wanted acceptance. That kid is just experiencing new things in life. That kid is new to the idea of love. That kid is haunted by his past. That kid is just... human. 

Several cringe-inducing acts influenced by desperation, getting into awkward situations because of naivety, thoughts on things like... I don't know... love? Things like these will really happen in life. Maybe that's the reason why I liked the movie so much: it is inclined to the real world I am living in.

So we finally met up with our other friends... and unexpectedly, the other friends have their other friends with them. There were so many of us, we can form a football team plus a small cheering squad. I don't know 80% of them. What perfect turn of event? Now I will know if I am a wallflower or not. Turned out I'm somewhere in between. I made several new friends and got closer to my already-existing friends.

In some occasion and other group of people, I am the life of the party and in others; I'm better off uninvited. Yeah, lots of fun and awkward moments but I'm fine with that. So what are the perks of being not-really-a-wallflower? You have to be one first to know them ;)

Inside My Head

Inside My Head by Chase

Inside my head is a battlefield; where corruption and tranquility
          found home.

With me, the clouds in the sky mourned as this little child lay helpless
          in the middle of this bloody plains.

Adjacent to the hill is a group of mercenaries wearing breastplates
          tainted with blood stains.

Near a burning haystack lies endless rows of white-painted rotting
          tombstones suffocated by chains.

To the right is a river which echoes the voice of the soon-to-be slain; a
          terrain where life drains. 

This poor little soul, an innocent and naive child crippled by hours of
          running, wailed.

Over the horizon, he saw the ocean slowly turning black where the
          ships have sailed.

Questioning himself, he just opened his mouth: "Novus Orbus." He
          exclaimed. 

Under the floating forest, on the other side is an army of warriors. Peace is
          what their white robes proclaimed.

Inked on their skin are thousands of wisdom in the form of ancient
          tattoos that are highly-acclaimed.

Trebuchets hurled decapitated heads of the weak. They want the land
          reclaimed.

Staying firmly where he stood, he prayed while the two great forces
          clashed.

One by one, moments of his feeble, lamentable and meager life
          flashed.

Rain of water turned to blood as thousands of skulls re bashed.

Reflected by the red river is the aftermath of a life-deprived war
          where everyone was ashed.

Yet this poor little soul was unscathed. Four words came out of him:
          "Haereo... Eo... Labor... Pleo..."

========================================================================

Interpretation: The poem basically reflects my inability to decide for myself. The little child is me and the "two great forces" is an example of a dilemma where I get consumed. Someone told me: "If you don't know what you want, then you better know hat you do not want and base your decisions there." It's always a battle in my head. A battle that doesn't lead to anything.

"Novus" and "Orbus" are both Latin words. They mean "new" and "work" respectively. Notice that if you combine the first letters of both words, they form "NO"

"Haereo", "Eo", "Labor" and "Pleo" mean "Adhere", "Transition", "Collapse" and "Depletion". The latin wrds form the word "HELP." You get the picture. Of course, there are a lot of other meaning in this poem that I'd rather keep to myself. Thanks for reading my poem.

Barely There

He doesn't really know how to use a pair of chopsticks so I taught him. While he was busy concentrating on picking up the small grains of rice from his bowl, I was busy denying how perfect every moment with him is and convincing myself that all of this is unreal because I can't believe that the person whom I just talk to on twitter and is miles away is having dinner with me. Never did it cross my mind that the gap between us would be so much closer.

We were sitting outside under the bright moonlight sippin' our expensive juice that went a trip around a blender...
Ako: "Alam mo kung bakit walang stars sa langit?."
Siya: "Bakit?"
Ako: "Kasi lahat nasa mga mata mo."
Siya: "Ay... wag ka ngang ganyan."
He couldn't help but smile. The banat was effin' corny and the timing was unexpected yet perfect.

We both have our own stories to share. Similar heartaches, almost the same attitude toward love. The mere thought of him makes my heart skip a beat. Funny, I just remembered a person who told me the same thing. Well anyway, he is such a character. It all started as a joke then we became online friends. I love how we would just talk about anything and make the conversation very interesting. He is very smart but just like me, when it comes to love, books can only do so much and we always get consumed.

He never liked any of my FB status, Instagram pictures and if he would tweet me anything that might be thought of as something intriguing, he would delete it. He doesn't want me to tag him or mention in twitter that we are together when we go out and  he doesn't know that I know exactly why. One time when we were together, his ex called him up and ate a bulk of our time. He was physically with me but his heart was left with someone else but that didn't matter to me at all. I am just happy that I am with him. The kind of joy that you don't get when you are with family or friends.

I feel him when he is lonely, i know exactly what he's going through and it sucks coz I was not there when he needed someone. Worse, I am not sure if he even wants me there so the last time we were together, I gave him a box tied with paper strings and a mirror.

Ako: "Buksan mo lang 'to kapag malungkot ka."
Siya: "Ganun? Okay..."

I looked at him and smiled. The box actually contains an encouraging quote and a piece of paper with instructions that goes something like this: Place the mirror in front of you then smile. What you see right now is the most precious thing on Earth.

A week passed and the day that I feared the most, came. I don't know what happened but he somewhat grew cold to me. I realized that I assumed and what I was thinking was the opposite. I know he just came from a breakup and I thought he is developing new feelings for me but that's not what's happening.

I got jealous of the guy he loved before.
Ako: "You must really love him huh..."
Siya: "Yes I do... before."

Yeah, it made me sad but I had no regrets. Everything was worth it. I never thought I actually needed the box I gave him. I a not mad at him though, probably it's not me and probably it's not him. I might not know the reason why... and I don't think I have to know. Honestly, I am happy right now.

He made me believe in fairy tales again but he added reality to it - not all fairy tales have a happy ending.

I will always respect his decision and I will always be here for him when he needs me.
And with that, sing with me Araneta~!
http://khu.sh/usersong_4fd31d497f603 <<< Click here for this post's theme song

You Made My Fairy Tale Come True

Disclaimer: This is just a repost. Originally written by me and posted some time last year.

"Take care of yourself..."

I hate goodbyes... I really do... especially hearing it from someone who meant the world to me...

"I'll see you when I get there. By that time, you'll probably be with someone else..."

No... you don't know what you are saying...

"Go and find your prince..."

YOU ARE my prince...

"Mahal na mahal kita..."

Your voice cracked and it pierced my heart... I was already drowning in my own tears. I wish I could turn back time and didn't hold back... I wish I could've given you more. Our relationship was very short lived... but to me it was the most meaningful one I ever had. I learned a lot and you changed me...

"Goodbye."

You will be the last fairy tale I will believe in... and as I close this fairy tale book, I will put my hand between the pages. I won't say goodbye because I believe we will see each other again... and I can touch you for the first time.

Bakit?

A lie, in any form will always be hurtful.

They say that actions are stronger than words, but I would conclude that actions can also be lies.

1 year akong hindi naka moveon sa 'yo. Umaasa parin. Someone told me: "Kung mahal mo, ipaglaban mo. Ganun lang yon!" Well, itong paglaban lang ang alam ko - ang ipilit ko ang sarili ko sa 'yo, baka sakaling mahalin mo ako. Wala akong pakialam kung out of pity, bastat mahalin mo lang ako.

I am convinced na wala na talagang feelings, pero bakit...

...bakit hinalikan mo rin ako nung hinalikan kita?

...bakit pinigilan mo ang braso ko nung bumitaw ako sa pagkakayakap ko sa 'yo?

...bakit mahigpit mong hinawakan ang kamay ko at nilapit mo sa pisngi mo?

...bakit binigyan mo ako ng dahilan para umasa?

I remember that night... that awkward night. Lasing na lahat and I felt pinagtabuyan ako ng lahat ng kaibigan mo, so I obediently walked away. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold any grudge with anyone. I'm not that type. But I must say, mahal na mahal ka talaga ng mga kaibigan mo.

Then after a long time... I see you holding hands with someone else.

Another lie? I don't think so. Whatever it is, I just want you to be happy... binigay mo narin ang "closure" na matagal ko nang hinihintay para tigilan kita. I am not mad and you don't owe me any explanation :)