Inside My Head

Inside My Head by Chase

Inside my head is a battlefield; where corruption and tranquility
          found home.

With me, the clouds in the sky mourned as this little child lay helpless
          in the middle of this bloody plains.

Adjacent to the hill is a group of mercenaries wearing breastplates
          tainted with blood stains.

Near a burning haystack lies endless rows of white-painted rotting
          tombstones suffocated by chains.

To the right is a river which echoes the voice of the soon-to-be slain; a
          terrain where life drains. 

This poor little soul, an innocent and naive child crippled by hours of
          running, wailed.

Over the horizon, he saw the ocean slowly turning black where the
          ships have sailed.

Questioning himself, he just opened his mouth: "Novus Orbus." He
          exclaimed. 

Under the floating forest, on the other side is an army of warriors. Peace is
          what their white robes proclaimed.

Inked on their skin are thousands of wisdom in the form of ancient
          tattoos that are highly-acclaimed.

Trebuchets hurled decapitated heads of the weak. They want the land
          reclaimed.

Staying firmly where he stood, he prayed while the two great forces
          clashed.

One by one, moments of his feeble, lamentable and meager life
          flashed.

Rain of water turned to blood as thousands of skulls re bashed.

Reflected by the red river is the aftermath of a life-deprived war
          where everyone was ashed.

Yet this poor little soul was unscathed. Four words came out of him:
          "Haereo... Eo... Labor... Pleo..."

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Interpretation: The poem basically reflects my inability to decide for myself. The little child is me and the "two great forces" is an example of a dilemma where I get consumed. Someone told me: "If you don't know what you want, then you better know hat you do not want and base your decisions there." It's always a battle in my head. A battle that doesn't lead to anything.

"Novus" and "Orbus" are both Latin words. They mean "new" and "work" respectively. Notice that if you combine the first letters of both words, they form "NO"

"Haereo", "Eo", "Labor" and "Pleo" mean "Adhere", "Transition", "Collapse" and "Depletion". The latin wrds form the word "HELP." You get the picture. Of course, there are a lot of other meaning in this poem that I'd rather keep to myself. Thanks for reading my poem.

Barely There

He doesn't really know how to use a pair of chopsticks so I taught him. While he was busy concentrating on picking up the small grains of rice from his bowl, I was busy denying how perfect every moment with him is and convincing myself that all of this is unreal because I can't believe that the person whom I just talk to on twitter and is miles away is having dinner with me. Never did it cross my mind that the gap between us would be so much closer.

We were sitting outside under the bright moonlight sippin' our expensive juice that went a trip around a blender...
Ako: "Alam mo kung bakit walang stars sa langit?."
Siya: "Bakit?"
Ako: "Kasi lahat nasa mga mata mo."
Siya: "Ay... wag ka ngang ganyan."
He couldn't help but smile. The banat was effin' corny and the timing was unexpected yet perfect.

We both have our own stories to share. Similar heartaches, almost the same attitude toward love. The mere thought of him makes my heart skip a beat. Funny, I just remembered a person who told me the same thing. Well anyway, he is such a character. It all started as a joke then we became online friends. I love how we would just talk about anything and make the conversation very interesting. He is very smart but just like me, when it comes to love, books can only do so much and we always get consumed.

He never liked any of my FB status, Instagram pictures and if he would tweet me anything that might be thought of as something intriguing, he would delete it. He doesn't want me to tag him or mention in twitter that we are together when we go out and  he doesn't know that I know exactly why. One time when we were together, his ex called him up and ate a bulk of our time. He was physically with me but his heart was left with someone else but that didn't matter to me at all. I am just happy that I am with him. The kind of joy that you don't get when you are with family or friends.

I feel him when he is lonely, i know exactly what he's going through and it sucks coz I was not there when he needed someone. Worse, I am not sure if he even wants me there so the last time we were together, I gave him a box tied with paper strings and a mirror.

Ako: "Buksan mo lang 'to kapag malungkot ka."
Siya: "Ganun? Okay..."

I looked at him and smiled. The box actually contains an encouraging quote and a piece of paper with instructions that goes something like this: Place the mirror in front of you then smile. What you see right now is the most precious thing on Earth.

A week passed and the day that I feared the most, came. I don't know what happened but he somewhat grew cold to me. I realized that I assumed and what I was thinking was the opposite. I know he just came from a breakup and I thought he is developing new feelings for me but that's not what's happening.

I got jealous of the guy he loved before.
Ako: "You must really love him huh..."
Siya: "Yes I do... before."

Yeah, it made me sad but I had no regrets. Everything was worth it. I never thought I actually needed the box I gave him. I a not mad at him though, probably it's not me and probably it's not him. I might not know the reason why... and I don't think I have to know. Honestly, I am happy right now.

He made me believe in fairy tales again but he added reality to it - not all fairy tales have a happy ending.

I will always respect his decision and I will always be here for him when he needs me.
And with that, sing with me Araneta~!
http://khu.sh/usersong_4fd31d497f603 <<< Click here for this post's theme song

You Made My Fairy Tale Come True

Disclaimer: This is just a repost. Originally written by me and posted some time last year.

"Take care of yourself..."

I hate goodbyes... I really do... especially hearing it from someone who meant the world to me...

"I'll see you when I get there. By that time, you'll probably be with someone else..."

No... you don't know what you are saying...

"Go and find your prince..."

YOU ARE my prince...

"Mahal na mahal kita..."

Your voice cracked and it pierced my heart... I was already drowning in my own tears. I wish I could turn back time and didn't hold back... I wish I could've given you more. Our relationship was very short lived... but to me it was the most meaningful one I ever had. I learned a lot and you changed me...

"Goodbye."

You will be the last fairy tale I will believe in... and as I close this fairy tale book, I will put my hand between the pages. I won't say goodbye because I believe we will see each other again... and I can touch you for the first time.

Bakit?

A lie, in any form will always be hurtful.

They say that actions are stronger than words, but I would conclude that actions can also be lies.

1 year akong hindi naka moveon sa 'yo. Umaasa parin. Someone told me: "Kung mahal mo, ipaglaban mo. Ganun lang yon!" Well, itong paglaban lang ang alam ko - ang ipilit ko ang sarili ko sa 'yo, baka sakaling mahalin mo ako. Wala akong pakialam kung out of pity, bastat mahalin mo lang ako.

I am convinced na wala na talagang feelings, pero bakit...

...bakit hinalikan mo rin ako nung hinalikan kita?

...bakit pinigilan mo ang braso ko nung bumitaw ako sa pagkakayakap ko sa 'yo?

...bakit mahigpit mong hinawakan ang kamay ko at nilapit mo sa pisngi mo?

...bakit binigyan mo ako ng dahilan para umasa?

I remember that night... that awkward night. Lasing na lahat and I felt pinagtabuyan ako ng lahat ng kaibigan mo, so I obediently walked away. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold any grudge with anyone. I'm not that type. But I must say, mahal na mahal ka talaga ng mga kaibigan mo.

Then after a long time... I see you holding hands with someone else.

Another lie? I don't think so. Whatever it is, I just want you to be happy... binigay mo narin ang "closure" na matagal ko nang hinihintay para tigilan kita. I am not mad and you don't owe me any explanation :)

The Last Smile

The castle is under siege. The fortress that is once impregnable is now engulfed in flames. The stone walls that took years to build are now shattered by enemy rams. The royal knight took the prince at the hidden exit at the back of the castle.

The royal knight told his prince that he should go back and fight and his majesty must take the hidden passageway that would lead him to the forest where it is safe. It suddenly rained heavily, the number of raindrops equates to the number of casualties as more and more enemy cavalries arrive.

The royal knight promised to return back to his majesty alive but deep inside and they know very well that it is a promise that is impossible to fulfill. The enemy found them, the royal knight did his best to ward off hundreds of enraged brutes. The prince shook his head in conformity, smiled at him turned around and ran as fast as he could.

It was a bloody encounter, the royal knight is outnumbered. The prince looked back, he saw his royal knight facing towards his direction... smiling. The prince fled to safety and will now have to wait for his royal knight...

The prince never knew that a poisoned arrow pierced through his royal knight's armor... and is slowly killing him. The royal knight, using all the strength he has left struck his sword to his leg so he won't fall and with all his might, he smiled at his fleeing prince because for the last time, he wants his prince to see him smiling... and he is worth dying for.

The heavy rain was a blessing... it masked the royal knight's heavy tears. Then he submitted to death... smiling.

The Mystery Biker

Riding on a cool bike he stopped and gave me a weird look,

On his head he wore an impenetrable fortress made from a thick book.

Nodding, he told me: "You look like someone I could take care."

After starting his bike he said: "Hop on, whilst there is no fare."

Like a child yearning for a retort, I grabbed his arms,

Delighted to see someone driving for me has irresistible charms.

Just when I'm about to speak, the stench of worry reeked,

Over the valley of nothingness, words barely leaked.

Hours passed, we never knew because we were having so much fun,

Nothing seemed to matter until we realized there was no sun.

Smiling at me, after seeing me tremble he said: "Hang on tight."

Must be the fact that you make me feel things will be alright.

It's time for me to take the other road and it suddenly poured,

Troubled but we have to go our own ways, he gave me a cord.

He told me: "Never let go, coz losing you is something I can't afford."

Till We Meet Again, Nisa

"Pag ako namatay, iiyak ka ba?"

If my memory serves me well, she asked me this one almost three years ago.

"Oo naman!"

I was hoping to comfort her because she looked a bit serious at that moment... a different side from what she always shows to other people - a jolly and trouble-free girl.


She's this all-around class jester. She is known for her funny antics and for that she is well-loved by everyone. Who wouldn't? Nisa is someone who wants every face smiling.

I received the bad news that she already passed away. I was in complete denial. I kept on saying no and thought that she's just pulling a prank to the whole wave... but unfortunately no. Feb. 15, she already joined our dear Lord. I cried... and looked for the almost withered bracelet she bought for me 2 years ago when we met and pulled it closer to my heart.

"Alam nyo, wag nyong lolokohin ang mga joker, kasi minsan sila pa ang problemado, dinadaan nalang sa patawa."

Contrary to what most people see... her life is full of challenges.

As we lie down in my room and exchange sentiments... I felt her and I can't even imagine living her life.

3 years later... I found her lying in a coffin... lifeless. A lot of things flashed before my eyes... if there's one thing I regret doing, it's failing to tell her that I love her and she means a lot to me. People come and go in our lives... but Nisa never left my heart. She helped me in a lot of different ways and I am thankful for having a friend like her. I love you my dear friend, dalawin mo naman ako sa panaginip and tell me how beautiful heaven is. =)

We love you, Nisa! You will always be remembered! - Wave 77 (Etelecare Global Solutions)

Dear Sir: The Confrontation Diary

If I were Venus Raj, I think I have an answer to the question: "What is the biggest mistake in your life?" And that would be - "Posting a provocative facebook status." ^^

I started a fire.

A line from Justin Timberlake's song "Cry Me A River" goes like this:
"You know what they say, some things are better left unsaid."

But I have no regrets. In fact, I am thankful for what happened. This is my letter to you, sir.

Dear Sir,

You are both right and wrong.

You are right
when you pointed out something with that facebook wall photo.

Umarte lang ng naaayon sa itsura. Pag hindi masyadong maganda, wag masyadong maarte.

If that Alessandra de Rossi quote is a universal truth then I have absolutely no right na mag-inarte, no doubt about it. I am fully aware that I am not good-looking, I just want to be at least presentable and if my occasional mirror peek makes you and your cronies cringe, then let me tell you this - stop applying powder to your face because it doesn't help at all but if it makes you confident then go ahead.

You are right
when you said

Hindi simple magsulat, it's not a mindless matter.

Sir, this made me laugh because I got an impression that what we are doing (link building) is mindless. Whether it's what you're thinking or not, link building is based on principles and algorithm, there is science and even math in what we do. I know you don't give a shit but I tell you it involves brain activities. You know sir, instead of asking content from you (every time we need some for our link building efforts), I choose to write my own because I don't want to disturb you and I agree that it's not an easy task.

Can't you be a man just this once by saying those tweets and FB status updates straight to my face? Well then, you should thank me for still calling you "sir". You know what sir? I don't really understand your purpose in doing that. For me, it's your way of letting other people know that you are bitching someone up. Your friends will leave comments which is comparable to shooting in the dark, you fish them and make everything look like they have full knowledge of what happened and they are in favor of you. You will then feel high and mighty while others bask in your glory. I find it pathetic, sir. It's a great display of cowardice. Let's take a look at your tweet here...

Work ethic. Not everyone has it. Oh, and talk about paranoia and negativity. Go on, take everything we do the wrong way. Make our day!

Wow, just wow! Someone who submits articles late and who sleeps during working hours is talking about work ethic. Very credible, sir. Very credible! *applause*

Sir, don't you have the fucking balls to say those to my face? You are indeed good at utilizing social media to your advantage... but you can't throw them at my face. Let me remind you sir, I am sitting just behind you. You are a fucking blabbermouth diva! A fucking coward~!

You are wrong
hindi ako nag-iinarte

Ang daming nagiinarte sa mundo! Puros arte, nasaway lang dahil sa ingay nagiinarte na. Hindi simple magsulat, it's not a mindless matter. Simpleng bagay pinapalaki. Puros arte!

If you are thinking na naginarte ako dahil nasaway lang, then you are mistaken. Hindi ako ganun kababaw. Wait did it even occur to you na may malalim na pinag-ugatan un? Of course not! It's because you are insensitive, sir. It's that simple.

Sir, the "ingay" issue is not something na pinalaki ko. I already explained it to your sister (ask her), we already talked about it, I proposed an action plan to the link building team and everything ended well (I think). On another note sir, when do you say a person is nag-iinarte? I didn't throw a barrage of status on FB and twitter... it's just a single post (that affected you big time) as opposed to your everyday twitter rants... so technically... nag-iinarte ka rin? Everyday? So if that single post irritated you, then you could just imagine how others feel reading your sentiments in twitter (ah! i can unfollow you nga pala, sorry my bad). Ikaw rin naman may mga pinapatamaan ka sa twitter, I can see that. So sir, if those people reacted the way you do... can I now say you just had a taste of your own medicine? Bitter, isn't it? LOL.

You are wrong
because you are impulsive and you let prejudice take over you that is why you failed to get my point. Sir, you failed to get my point because you keep on saying that I'm talking stuff that are out of context. Sir, you are insisting that I'm saying out of the context stuff because you are unwilling to listen and understand my side. Sir, you are unwilling to listen and understand my side because you saw an opportunity to put that bitchy character you see in movies and soaps into practice. MAS INUNA MO PA MANLAIT BAGO ALAMIN ANG NANGYAYARI. Well, it's useless din pala, I guess. Did I already mention "unwilling to listen and understand my side"? Oh, wait I already did. LOL!

AM I GETTING PERSONAL?
Yes I am, sir! It's because you started it! This would've been fixed and gotten over with if you didn't get personal with me. I bite hard and deep if situation calls for it. Sir, I started a chat with you with an apology and what did I get in return? A bunch of insults. Well, what do you expect from a ranter? XD

It's funny because I didn't even see a trace of eagerness to patch things up, it seems like you don't want to lift a finger. Oh wait, you actually did lift a finger... in typing those status, that is.

I am thankful
Sir, I thank you with what happened. I learned a lot from this experience. Not all arguments can be settled but there must be a common ground somewhere. Any misunderstanding can be settled, if you have an open mind. E hindi e, you got mad when I said you are dictating how we should feel about stuff. In our "friendly" chat you said something like:

"Wala lang samin un - WALA DAPAT ma offend dun."

So, you are not being a dictator with that statement? Here's the thing sir, a person can never accurately point out what's wrong with him/herself. Not unless he/she would stop and examine himself/herself through the eyes of others BUT you are the type of person who would never even care to think about it because subconsciously you think your opinion is all that matters.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think the reason why you don't talk to me and joke around with me the way you casually do with others is because you know my capacity... and you can't dominate me. Good thinking, sir. It's a nice move~!

Sir, sayang. I have so much respect for you but in just a snap, it disappeared just like that. Minsan lang tayo mag-usap ng masinsinan, sa ganitong sitwasyon pa. Ang inaakala kong makakasundo ko, makakabangga ko pala. Sir, I know you don't care and I know how annoying I have become to you pero sir, you know what? You should thank me for calling you "sir" kahit most of the time mas malandi ka pa kay Madonna.

I Hate Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. I don't want to say "goodbye"... again.

...but whenever I do, I make sure I say it with a smile, at the very least. Last week I said goodbye to a dear friend. Her name is Jianya Tang... yep, she's Chinese. She went back home to China for good.

We were classmates in De La Salle University - Dasmariñas and we were inseparable esp. during our early freshman years. The story is quite awkward. It's our first day and she's standing in front of our classroom looking at the classroom number and her student form back and forth for like 3 minutes, straight! It's like she wants to assure herself every second that she is in the right classroom. It was my first time in my entire life to approach a girl and straightforwardly ask: "Hi! We are classmates. Can we be friends?" We shook hands and she said: "Of course!" I can't remove the smile on my face that day.

7 years after... I can't believe I'll be saying the opposite. Actually, I didn't... because I don't think I can handle it. She invited me and 2 of our other classmates for videoke and food, we all know that she'll be leaving in 3 days and it will be her last moment with us, so it was a night of endless photo shoot and laughter! Until I sang this:



"Oh, that was a nice song. Thank you very much." Sometimes being emo helps me in converting my feelings into words and so as not to break the spree, I asked my other classmate to sing "Peng You", a Chinese song about friendship. My classmate sang Kim Chu's version which has Filipino lyrics but Jianya sang with her in Mandarin which made the song a beautiful duet.



And just like in movies, flashbacks occurred to me: We eat most of the time together for lunch (she likes sisig and pinakbet); we review together in a "kubo" (kubos are everywhere in La Salle, they're like benches in a park), we laugh at each other, literally. She thinks I'm a dog... =_= then she'll say "Don't worry, you are the cutest dog!" Then she'll laugh with a bucket load of sarcasm; I taught her and her Chinese friends "Pandanggo sa Ilaw" because they need to present a Philippine traditional dance; I sometimes go with her when she does her grocery shopping and we always stop and debate over fresh produce, I developed that invulnerability to peoples' stare every time we talk oh so loud on the street in English; when we laugh, we laugh out loud, it's like the end of the world; I pretend that I am Thai every time we eat in an authentic Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese resto (and the waiters really do think I'm Thai! XD )...

Haha, if I go on, this blog post would probably never end. In other words, we had no dull moments. It's like we knew each other since we were babies and cultural and language barriers don't exist between the two of us. She is really a one of a kind friend.
So after that videoke night, she called a cab for us... I was about to go inside but then I turned around looked at her for the last time and said: "Ah! I hate goodbyes. Just take care of yourself." We both know it will be an emotional moment so we didn't say much.

I'm sure that she enjoyed her 7 year stay here in the Philippines just as much as I enjoyed her company. I am also confident that after 50 years she will tell stories to her grandchildren about how much she missed this cute dog she met in the Philippines.
I tried not to cry but I'm such an emo! Goodbye "Pinky"... till we meet again... I'm sure we will... somehow.

I Fell In Love With A Boy

Hi allow me to introduce myself, the name's Mikuru Hirai! Pleasure to meet you!

"Mikuru Hirai?" You might be asking what's with the name when in fact, Chase Tatoy is my real name. First off, I am not Japanese nor have a drop of Japanese blood running in my veins. And no, I'm not an Otaku but I love watching certain anime titles. It's just that I adore the culture of Japan and I feel like they have way more fun than any other country, nuff said. So anyway, there you go, if I would rename myself, it has to be a Japanese-sounding name.

"Mikuru" is the first name and "Hirai" is the family name (in Japan it's supposed to be written as "Hirai Mikuru" - family name first).

"Hirai" (ヒライ) came from a popular Japanese singer that I am very attracted to - Ken Hirai. He is in his late 30's but I still find him oozing with sex appeal and I think his voice is so sensual. The name "Mikuru" on the other hand has a rather interesting story.

I was in my last years in college and being the usual bum that I am, I met this high school boy at the arcade. I managed to dig up this stolen video shot of him from my porn stash. Hmm... I wonder why it's there.. well anyway, here he is:


At the end of the video he realized I'm holding a cam so he said: "なんだ? うるせ!" ("Nanda, Uruse!") Which roughly translates to "What is it? Shut up!" The funny thing is, "Uruse" is a vulgar word but he said it while smiling... ain't it cute? XD

He is this average English-speaking, soft spoken boy. He is both childish and childlike in many ways. Let's say, in a school setting, he is the type who is always bullied and pushed around. My other "arcade friends" stay away from him because he talks nonstop about anime and shows his collection of anime drawings even though people weren't interested. In other words, they think he's weird. On the other hand, I don't... I enjoy talking to him and listening to his stories. I don't know if it's just because of physical attraction or whatever but one thing's for sure... what I felt was real and I believe I don't have to explain it to myself or to anyone.

He has this unique smell. He doesn't wear perfume or powder and he doesn't reek of bad odor but his skin has this distinct smell which intensifies my attraction to him every time I smell it.

Where is he now, you ask? I became busy with school projects, thesis and stuff since I am graduating in 2 months or so at that time. It took me quite a while to go back to the place where we usually see each other.

I remember him asking me - "What's your favorite anime?" I jokingly answered "I only watch yaoi." And to my surprise he said: "I sometimes like yaoi, too." And out of nothing he would say random things like: "You know, if I spend a lot if time with someone, I tend to be like that person." I didn't bother asking him what he meant by those words... up until now. I chose to stay away from him because I know he's only 'confused' with his sexuality and at his age I know for a fact that it's normal. I just don't want to be a catalyst of that confusion. He is young and smart... full of promise. He has a life ahead of him.

After graduation, I immediately started a call center job and I was on night shift. Then I was assigned on a day shift after like, 5 months, I don't know how it happened but my feet took me to 'that' place again... he wasn't there. I sat and waited for 30 minutes but there was no sign of him so I decided to leave. The moment I stood up, someone walked towards my direction... I captured a very familiar scent and when I looked back, I got petrified the moment I realized it was him. He grew a bit bigger, he grew a bit of facial hair which that made him more manly and handsome.

His name is Mikhail. "Mikuru" is a 'Japanized' name I equated for "Mikhail".
Good thing he didn't see me.

I chose to let go and walked away...
As I walk away, the scent slowly began disappearing...
As I walk away, I whispered to myself "Sayonara..."

Someone saw me shedding a tear and asked me why. I replied: "I fell in love with a boy."