Perks of Being Not-Really-A-Wallflower

Maki, Carlo and I were walking to meet up our other friends at Greenbelt when I suddenly exclaimed:
"Hindi ako maka move-on sa movie!"

We just finished seeing "Perks of Being a Wallflower".

Carlo: "Pinipigilan ko ngang umiyak kanina."

Me: "Ako rin kaya!"

Maki: "Bakit?"

I don't know why I was so affected by the movie... I was asking myself... why the fudge?! Then it occurred to me. I saw myself a lot of times in the character of Charlie:

I was mad... 

Nakakainis pala panuorin ang sariling katarantaduhan. I was mad at the person who reflected the reality that was me. I was mad at myself.

I was sad...

That part where he was asked to leave by Patrick in a supposed t be fun night with friends. The scene where he frantically attempts to stop himself from crying when he was already crying a river. He felt sorry for things he wasn't even responsible for and I was like: "Bobo ka ba?"

I was happy...

He still regarded those people as friends despite rejection. He genuinely wished for another person's happiness. He was a true friend up to the very end.

That kid wanted acceptance. That kid is just experiencing new things in life. That kid is new to the idea of love. That kid is haunted by his past. That kid is just... human. 

Several cringe-inducing acts influenced by desperation, getting into awkward situations because of naivety, thoughts on things like... I don't know... love? Things like these will really happen in life. Maybe that's the reason why I liked the movie so much: it is inclined to the real world I am living in.

So we finally met up with our other friends... and unexpectedly, the other friends have their other friends with them. There were so many of us, we can form a football team plus a small cheering squad. I don't know 80% of them. What perfect turn of event? Now I will know if I am a wallflower or not. Turned out I'm somewhere in between. I made several new friends and got closer to my already-existing friends.

In some occasion and other group of people, I am the life of the party and in others; I'm better off uninvited. Yeah, lots of fun and awkward moments but I'm fine with that. So what are the perks of being not-really-a-wallflower? You have to be one first to know them ;)

Inside My Head

Inside My Head by Chase

Inside my head is a battlefield; where corruption and tranquility
          found home.

With me, the clouds in the sky mourned as this little child lay helpless
          in the middle of this bloody plains.

Adjacent to the hill is a group of mercenaries wearing breastplates
          tainted with blood stains.

Near a burning haystack lies endless rows of white-painted rotting
          tombstones suffocated by chains.

To the right is a river which echoes the voice of the soon-to-be slain; a
          terrain where life drains. 

This poor little soul, an innocent and naive child crippled by hours of
          running, wailed.

Over the horizon, he saw the ocean slowly turning black where the
          ships have sailed.

Questioning himself, he just opened his mouth: "Novus Orbus." He
          exclaimed. 

Under the floating forest, on the other side is an army of warriors. Peace is
          what their white robes proclaimed.

Inked on their skin are thousands of wisdom in the form of ancient
          tattoos that are highly-acclaimed.

Trebuchets hurled decapitated heads of the weak. They want the land
          reclaimed.

Staying firmly where he stood, he prayed while the two great forces
          clashed.

One by one, moments of his feeble, lamentable and meager life
          flashed.

Rain of water turned to blood as thousands of skulls re bashed.

Reflected by the red river is the aftermath of a life-deprived war
          where everyone was ashed.

Yet this poor little soul was unscathed. Four words came out of him:
          "Haereo... Eo... Labor... Pleo..."

========================================================================

Interpretation: The poem basically reflects my inability to decide for myself. The little child is me and the "two great forces" is an example of a dilemma where I get consumed. Someone told me: "If you don't know what you want, then you better know hat you do not want and base your decisions there." It's always a battle in my head. A battle that doesn't lead to anything.

"Novus" and "Orbus" are both Latin words. They mean "new" and "work" respectively. Notice that if you combine the first letters of both words, they form "NO"

"Haereo", "Eo", "Labor" and "Pleo" mean "Adhere", "Transition", "Collapse" and "Depletion". The latin wrds form the word "HELP." You get the picture. Of course, there are a lot of other meaning in this poem that I'd rather keep to myself. Thanks for reading my poem.

Barely There

He doesn't really know how to use a pair of chopsticks so I taught him. While he was busy concentrating on picking up the small grains of rice from his bowl, I was busy denying how perfect every moment with him is and convincing myself that all of this is unreal because I can't believe that the person whom I just talk to on twitter and is miles away is having dinner with me. Never did it cross my mind that the gap between us would be so much closer.

We were sitting outside under the bright moonlight sippin' our expensive juice that went a trip around a blender...
Ako: "Alam mo kung bakit walang stars sa langit?."
Siya: "Bakit?"
Ako: "Kasi lahat nasa mga mata mo."
Siya: "Ay... wag ka ngang ganyan."
He couldn't help but smile. The banat was effin' corny and the timing was unexpected yet perfect.

We both have our own stories to share. Similar heartaches, almost the same attitude toward love. The mere thought of him makes my heart skip a beat. Funny, I just remembered a person who told me the same thing. Well anyway, he is such a character. It all started as a joke then we became online friends. I love how we would just talk about anything and make the conversation very interesting. He is very smart but just like me, when it comes to love, books can only do so much and we always get consumed.

He never liked any of my FB status, Instagram pictures and if he would tweet me anything that might be thought of as something intriguing, he would delete it. He doesn't want me to tag him or mention in twitter that we are together when we go out and  he doesn't know that I know exactly why. One time when we were together, his ex called him up and ate a bulk of our time. He was physically with me but his heart was left with someone else but that didn't matter to me at all. I am just happy that I am with him. The kind of joy that you don't get when you are with family or friends.

I feel him when he is lonely, i know exactly what he's going through and it sucks coz I was not there when he needed someone. Worse, I am not sure if he even wants me there so the last time we were together, I gave him a box tied with paper strings and a mirror.

Ako: "Buksan mo lang 'to kapag malungkot ka."
Siya: "Ganun? Okay..."

I looked at him and smiled. The box actually contains an encouraging quote and a piece of paper with instructions that goes something like this: Place the mirror in front of you then smile. What you see right now is the most precious thing on Earth.

A week passed and the day that I feared the most, came. I don't know what happened but he somewhat grew cold to me. I realized that I assumed and what I was thinking was the opposite. I know he just came from a breakup and I thought he is developing new feelings for me but that's not what's happening.

I got jealous of the guy he loved before.
Ako: "You must really love him huh..."
Siya: "Yes I do... before."

Yeah, it made me sad but I had no regrets. Everything was worth it. I never thought I actually needed the box I gave him. I a not mad at him though, probably it's not me and probably it's not him. I might not know the reason why... and I don't think I have to know. Honestly, I am happy right now.

He made me believe in fairy tales again but he added reality to it - not all fairy tales have a happy ending.

I will always respect his decision and I will always be here for him when he needs me.
And with that, sing with me Araneta~!
http://khu.sh/usersong_4fd31d497f603 <<< Click here for this post's theme song

You Made My Fairy Tale Come True

Disclaimer: This is just a repost. Originally written by me and posted some time last year.

"Take care of yourself..."

I hate goodbyes... I really do... especially hearing it from someone who meant the world to me...

"I'll see you when I get there. By that time, you'll probably be with someone else..."

No... you don't know what you are saying...

"Go and find your prince..."

YOU ARE my prince...

"Mahal na mahal kita..."

Your voice cracked and it pierced my heart... I was already drowning in my own tears. I wish I could turn back time and didn't hold back... I wish I could've given you more. Our relationship was very short lived... but to me it was the most meaningful one I ever had. I learned a lot and you changed me...

"Goodbye."

You will be the last fairy tale I will believe in... and as I close this fairy tale book, I will put my hand between the pages. I won't say goodbye because I believe we will see each other again... and I can touch you for the first time.

Bakit?

A lie, in any form will always be hurtful.

They say that actions are stronger than words, but I would conclude that actions can also be lies.

1 year akong hindi naka moveon sa 'yo. Umaasa parin. Someone told me: "Kung mahal mo, ipaglaban mo. Ganun lang yon!" Well, itong paglaban lang ang alam ko - ang ipilit ko ang sarili ko sa 'yo, baka sakaling mahalin mo ako. Wala akong pakialam kung out of pity, bastat mahalin mo lang ako.

I am convinced na wala na talagang feelings, pero bakit...

...bakit hinalikan mo rin ako nung hinalikan kita?

...bakit pinigilan mo ang braso ko nung bumitaw ako sa pagkakayakap ko sa 'yo?

...bakit mahigpit mong hinawakan ang kamay ko at nilapit mo sa pisngi mo?

...bakit binigyan mo ako ng dahilan para umasa?

I remember that night... that awkward night. Lasing na lahat and I felt pinagtabuyan ako ng lahat ng kaibigan mo, so I obediently walked away. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold any grudge with anyone. I'm not that type. But I must say, mahal na mahal ka talaga ng mga kaibigan mo.

Then after a long time... I see you holding hands with someone else.

Another lie? I don't think so. Whatever it is, I just want you to be happy... binigay mo narin ang "closure" na matagal ko nang hinihintay para tigilan kita. I am not mad and you don't owe me any explanation :)

That Old Cat... and Love

We already have enough cats in our house to form a 3-man ninja cat team... or whatever that means. Well anyway, this dirty, smelly and old cat appeared out of nowhere and was working his way through the rest and scavenging on leftovers.

I didn't want him there so I got a stick and tried to scare him away. Unfortunately, he just went around me and ran to our cats' feeding plate and grabbed whatever he could. I was pushing him away with my feet with gentle force but he was so stubborn.

Then it got me thinking...

This dirty, smelly, old cat is willing to take a few beating just as long as his hunger is satisfied... which directs me to my experience in love. Hunger and Love has something in common - you can control them, delay them, deny them but you will still feel them in the end.

... and you know what? You can push me and scare me away... but I will work my way to your heart. Stubborn? Yeah ;)

=================================

EDIT: NOVEMBER 9, 2011

My mom told me she found the cat lying beside our car... lifeless. I guess his mission to make me realize something is accomplished so he went back to cat heaven.

R.I.P. anonymous cat... and thank you

Jet Skiing and My Personality

So the jet ski dude said: "If you know how to drive a motorbike, it'll be easy."

It's really ironic... I had my stint as a trainer at work and gave my share of assurance to my trainees but I hate it when other people give me one!

My turn on the jet ski came and after the jet ski dude gave me other instructions, I was on my own. I stood, pulled the accelerator to max and flew like a rabid wolf on meth. I effin' don't know where to go and I don't care... the strong wind was trying to knock me down but I held tighter. I was going too fast that my jet ski was bouncing up on the lake water.

I went far away from the bank and saw myself at the heart of the lake. My excitement for speed intensified to unimaginable heights.

I indulged in great speed. I was shaking because I don't know if what I am doing is alright but I went ahead and enjoyed the freedom.

I was free... no one was there to hear me yell "YEEEAAHH!" and tell me that I'm splitting their eardrums.

I was free... no one was there to see me burn the engine and tell me to slow down before I fall down...

... and it happened.. I took a sharp curve and my jet ski rotated 360 degrees but I was still on. It scared the shit out of me. I am wearing a life jacket and the safety clip is in place... I stopped looked around me and I started feeling scared... really really scared.

I realized that I am lost... I was disoriented... I didn't know where I am, how I got there and which way is back.

I realized that the water that I am raping was effin' deep... I drowned... because of my worries. What if I fell in the water and never floated? What if some sort of a water creature suddenly emerged from underneath, pulled me down and ate me.

My heart beat like a jackhammer...

I was so confident I won't fall down until I almost fell. I wanted to get out of where I am at so again, I fled in haste. On my way back, I never slowed down... still screamed on the top of my lungs and enjoyed.

"Oh, kamusta?"

"Putang ina, nakakaadik pala mag jet ski! Syet, gusto ko pa!"

Already getting a good grasp of my personality? Yes, that's how I am ;)